My Anaconda Don't
by Rivendell101
Summary: While on a mission, Natsu is cursed by a dark mage. Later, there are some... interesting developments below his belt, and they name him Richard. [crack fic]


**AN: Brief NSFW in italics, general crude humor, you have been warned.**

* * *

 **My Anaconda Don't**

Lucy is fairly positive that the day can't get any weirder. If it does, she thinks she might have a heart attack. And she says this as a mage of Fairy Tail, the most batshit insane guild she has ever seen. Because—and she says this utterly serious—this is the craziest thing that has ever happened to them. Ever. Never once in the six years she's been a mage of Fairy Tail has anything like this happened. But Natsu fucked up his mission earlier and now they have a problem. A very long, very _big_ , problem and his name is Richard.

And Richard is a problem, for both of them, though she thinks Natsu might be having a harder time with it and all, considering he's gained some rather new, uh, equipment, to say the very least. It's all a very strange situation, and Lucy kind of wants to die right now. Natsu though? Natsu looks absolutely mortified, and she doubts he would have told her anything about this… situation if she hadn't been straddling his lap at the time the problem arose.

When she finds the dark mage that dark mage that cursed him, she's going to strangle them with her own two hands. And she's going to do it very, very slowly, because Lucy is having a pretty shitty day given everything that's happened.

Something cool and smooth touches her arm, Natsu cursing under his breath from beside her. The object travels higher, winding its way up until it's half perched on the back of the couch. Something wet flicks against her ear a moment later, Lucy trying not to scream as a tongue wiggles against her, more curious than anything else, but decisively not okay in Lucy's book, like, _not at all_.

She did not sign up for this when she decided to date the Dragon Slayer. Destruction of property? Yeah, sure. Crazy adventures? A given. Being kept awake at all hours of the night due to extracurricular activities? Well, Lucy starts that just as much as he does, so she can't blame him for that—but _this_? This is a bit much, even for her.

A soft, round head brushes against her cheek, so light she almost doesn't feel it. Lucy holds her breath eyes going wide when it happens again, the creature rubbing against her jaw, almost caressing her, which a whole other box of crazy to be quite honestly. Again, a wet tongue flicks out against her skin, tasting her, and then a smooth, glossy, wiggly thing _nuzzles_ against her.

"Natsu," Lucy says softly, glancing at him out of the corner of her eye, trying not to move, lest she disturb Richard and… whatever the fuck he's doing. Lucy isn't sure, but she really doesn't like him being this close to her _head_. "Natsu," she repeats, louder this time, immediately gaining his attention, her boyfriend's expression horrified when he sees what's happening. "Is your penis snake rubbing itself on my face?" she ask him, voice slightly higher than normal.

Natsu blinks at her, awkwardly wetting his lips when the very real snake popping out of his shorts rubs his scaly head against her cheek cuddling against her, giving a happy flick of his tongue.

He swallows, shifting in place as he glances between her eyes and Richard. The snake. Richard the magical snake that his _dick_ turned into. All because some douchebag dark mage had to curse him. Who makes a curse for _that_? Who fucking does that?

"It means he likes you?" Natsu says, though it sounds suspiciously more like a question than anything else.

Honestly, Lucy has just about had it with everything today. She wouldn't be nearly as mad, but, ironically, she's been cock-blocked by Natsu's dick. Lucy is more sexually frustrated than she's ever been before in her entire life, because Natsu's penis decided to go poof and turn into an eight foot long god damn _anaconda_ , right then and there, with Lucy's hand shoved down his shorts, fingers wrapped around him.

She would have made a joke about him being a grower if she wasn't so busy screaming in _absolute terror_.

 _Lucy giggled against his mouth, hands fisting into his hair as she leaned down to steal a kiss from him, peppering them along his jaw and cheeks and chin, anywhere she could reach. Below her, Natsu laughed, letting her do what she wanted, Lucy lazily rocking against his lap, much to both of their frustration. He growled up at her, fingers tight around her hips, but Lucy ignored him, taking her times as she worked her way down the side of his neck, nipping and sucking at his skin until Natsu was cursing her name, his hips lifting off the couch to meet her pace._

 _She tugged roughly at his hair, twisting and pulling as his hips shifted against hers. With a snarl, Natsu managed to capture her mouth with his, wasting no time in drawing her in for a deep kiss. His lips parted immediately, tongue brushing against the seam of her lips slowly, hand sliding down her back to grip her ass and better rock her against him. He nipped at her lips, swallowing down the giggle that spills from her._

 _Arching into him, Lucy nibbled at his bottom lip, biting down roughly when he grinds her down against him, Lucy working her hips harder against his. Natsu growled, tongue coming out to push passed her own lips, coming out to play as he palmed her ass. His tongue dragged along the roof of her mouth, sweeping around as he sighed, the tip of his tongue running along the back of her teeth. He went back to flicking his tongue against the roof of her mouth, making Lucy giggle against him, the kiss turning sloppy._

 _She grinned when she felt his cock straining against her from below, hard and thick behind his pants. Lucy ground down against him, his hips lurching off the couch to buck against her, making her gasp. Lucy repeated the motion, rougher the second time, and he groaned low in his throat, nipping at her lips as he pressed her down against his covered cock._

 _Growing impatient, Lucy slipped a hand down between his legs, fingers ghosting over his hips before grasping his arousal through his pants and palming him roughly, Natsu swearing against her mouth and biting at her lips. She squeezed him and he bucked into her hand, groaning when Lucy released him just as suddenly as she grabbed him, her hips thrusting down to meet his roughly, rolling against him when Natsu fisted at her hair, other hand squeezing her ass, alternating between simply palming her and giving rougher pinches. He hissed below her, shoving his erection against her core and smiling against her mouth when she gasped. He moaned as she rolled her hips against him._

 _Her hand slipped between their bodies, palming him through his pants, squeezing lightly as he rocked against her. Her hand snaked below his pants and boxers without warning, Lucy grasping him tightly in her palm. Her fingers slid along his length, Natsu moaning and Lucy feeling her own arousal spike at the sounds she was pulling from him, her core aching for attention. She gave his cock a long, slow stroke, thumb coming up to flick over his head, teasing at first, but slipping into fast circles when he thrust up against her. Her fingers ran down his shaft lightly, stroking at his skin as she hummed against his lips._

 _She matched his movements, touching him with long, slow strokes of her hand, gripping him firmly. She took the time to thumb at his head, running her finger along the puckered vein along the bottom of his shaft. Lucy grinned against his mouth, alternating between slow strokes that made him sigh against her, hips rocking into her hand and rougher snaps of her wrist that had him cursing, hips thrusting hard against her fist._

 _Squeezing him in a tight fist, Natsu's hips ground into her hand, body rolling against hers in fast motions as Lucy pumped him with her hand, thumbing at his head when he groaned her name, close to coming undone beneath her. He moved in wild, jerky movement, grip on her near bruising as his hips continued to slam into her clenched fingers._

 _That was when something strange happened._

 _One moment Natsu was rolling his hips into her hand, dick hard and hot in her palm, and then there was a sudden "pop!" and a flash that made Lucy wince, her eyes slamming shut. Confusion swept through her, Natsu and Lucy exchanging the same bewildered frown, his hips ceasing their movement against her hand._

 _Lucy started to ask him what in the holy hell just happened, Natsu's face pinched in something like pain, when she felt_ it _._

 _Natsu's penis was growing in her hand, but not in the usual way that made her thighs rub together in anticipation, no, this was something far stranger. He grew thicker, so much so that Lucy wasn't able to wrap her fingers around him any longer. Natsu grew in length as well, slowly, but surely. What concerned her the most, however, was when the feel of him changed, skin growing from hard and hot to cold and… wiggly. Very, very wiggly. Something like scales moved beneath her fingers._

 _They had experimented with his Dragon Force dick before, but this was something else entirely._

 _And that was when Lucy heard something strange. Natsu was hissing, which wasn't uncommon in itself, but it wasn't coming from upper head, no, it was coming from his shorts. That had never happened before. Not once in the three years they've been together. Lucy was pretty sure that was something she would have noticed if it was a common occurrence. In fact, Lucy was absolutely positive she would have noticed if his penis was making strange noises._

" _Natsu," she said slowly, feeling something wriggle beneath his shorts, her hand slowly pulling away from him, only to settle on his thigh when his… cock rubbed against her through her shorts, accidentally, of course. "Natsu, your dick is hissing at me," she informed him, eyes wide with horror._

 _If this was some weird, magical STD she was going to be pissed._

 _Slowly, Lucy pulled the waistband of his shorts to the side, Natsu sitting up on his elbows to see what was happening. Wetting her lips, Lucy slipped her hand back under the cloth, muttering a prayer under her breath that it wouldn't be something weird._

 _It was something weird._

 _Of all the things it could have been, Lucy didn't expect to pull a large snake out of Natsu's pants._

 _She screamed._

Lucy comes back to reality to find Richard slowly curling around her shoulders, the magical snake moving slowly, thinking she won't notice him doing it for the third time in the past hour. He flicks his tongue, tasting the air, and Lucy rolls her eyes as he loops around her, practically smiling at Lucy as he slithers around her.

"Natsu," she whines, pouting at her boyfriend, who looks a cross between amused and utterly baffled. "Richard is winding around my neck, again," she complains, nervous, but attempting to pass it off as a joke. Honestly, she's terrified that he may squeeze too tight. He's a constrictor, after all. She doesn't want to end up as snake food.

As if hearing her thoughts, Richard loosens his grip on her, still coiling around her neck, but not nearly as tight.

Natsu seems to notice her stricken expression, sitting up suddenly and sliding in closer to her and placing a hand against her bare thigh, squeezing gently. "He won't hurt you," Natsu coos, voice gentle but utterly serious. She doesn't know how he can be so sure about that, but nods as best she can, giving him a weak smile.

Her lips wobble, hands shaking in her lap. "Is this your way of telling me you want your dick to choke me?" she tries to joke. It comes out strained, higher than usual, and Lucy winces. She bites her lip, glancing away from him in shame. He's the one that should be freaking out not her.

Granted, he's not the one with the snake wrapped around him. Sure, his dick has suddenly become an eight foot magical snake, but the snake isn't touching him or crawling on him or generally paying _any_ attention to him. No, for some reason the snake seems to have a crush on her, which is both oddly flattering and also disappointing.

This is Natsu's penis, after all.

Suddenly, Richard nuzzles against the side of her neck, completely relaxed against her even as Lucy's stomach twists sickly.

Natsu notices, doing his best to pull her into his lap, the two of them having to wiggle a bit to account for their slithery problem. "Hey," he murmurs against the side of her head, pressing soft, butterfly kisses from her temple down to her cheek, sloppy and wet in order to make her giggle softly. "Lucy, hey," he coos, nosing at her even when Richard hisses softly. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you," he promises. Natsu grins, waiting until she gives him a small smile in return before leaning in to give her a quick kiss.

She nods slowly, sighing as she tucks herself under his chin, Natsu's arms coming up to wrap around her protectively. "I know, I know," she whispers back, wrinkling her nose. "It's just, this is all so _weird_ ," she says, not sure what other word to use.

This is all just super weird.

Richard, for his part, doesn't seem to give a shit that he's not supposed to exist, happily curling around Lucy and traversing the back of the couch, going as far as he can before returning. He slips onto Lucy's crown, big head resting against hers and staring Natsu right in the eyes, much to her boyfriends discomfort.

"I know, Luce," Natsu tells her, squeezing her around the middle and staring at Richard, who flicks a tongue at him in a silent challenge, almost a threat. Could Natsu be choked by his own _dick_? Would that be possible? "But we'll figure this out." He curls a hand through her hair, glaring right back at their unwanted, surprise guest.

Lucy huffs, puffing out her cheeks and sending him a narrow eyed look. "Oh, we better," she seethes, only partly serious with her anger. She's annoyed, yes, but she can honestly say she isn't angry with him. It's not his fault he was cursed, he was only trying to do the right thing. "Because I am _not_ letting you put that inside me," she tells him, mostly joking, pointing a stern finger at her new necklace, who flicks his tongue against her hand in interest.

Richard suddenly tightens on her neck, offended, and Natsu blushes deeply, cheeks the color of his hair. His throat bobs with a hard swallow and he shifts awkwardly, clearly suffering from a mild case of blue balls. Lucy isn't doing too great either, her earlier excitement still evident.

Natsu clears his throat, fingers twitching against her back before he pulls away, just enough for her to really look at him, though he doesn't let go of her entirely. "I wouldn't ask you to," he tells her seriously, glancing at the snake uncomfortably.

"Good," she says, nodding.

He wets his lips. "Good."

"Great."

They lapse into silence for several minutes, neither of them sure what to do. Do they simply carry on with their day and ignore the "elephant" in the room? Do they go to the guild for help? Do they wait for it to go away? Most curses only last a few hours, days at the most, but some have certain… _requirements_ that need to be filled to break them. And that could be tricky, to say the least.

Their best bet would be going to the guild for help, but that would require dragging Natsu's magically enchanted penis all the way to town, which sounds like more trouble than it would be worth. She could get help herself, but she doesn't know what Richard might do if she leaves, considering he's practically imprinted on her.

"Why do you call him Richard?" Natsu suddenly asks her, looking at her curiously, a small frown pulling at his lips. His head tilts to one side cutely, Lucy sending him a small smile as she reaches out to push his bangs out of his eyes. Around her neck, Richard manages his own version of a smile, much to Natsu's amusement.

" 'Dick' for short," she explains, fighting back a smirk.

He snorts, rolling his eyes, though the smile never leaves him. "Clever," he replies, sarcasm coating his tone.

She quirks a brow, relaxing into the couch even as their snake problem unwraps from her neck, choosing instead to slip down her arm and fall into her lap with a wet, plopping sound, an ungraceful soggy noodle. Lucy ignores him. "Would you rather me keep calling him your penis snake?"

He considers it for a moment. "No, I would not."

"Well," she grins at him, brown eyes alight with humor for the first time in the past hour, "then I guess we'll stick with Richard."

His frown only deepens, a slight pout on Natsu's lips as he stares down at the fat snake in her lap. His eyes narrow and he reaches out to poke the snake, Richard cracking open a lazy eye at Natsu, uninterested. "Since it's _my_ dick, shouldn't _I_ get to name him?" he asks. Richard hisses at him, making Natsu pull his hand back. "Never mind," he says quickly, "Richard it is."

"I think he likes me more than you," Lucy says cheekily, grinning at her pouting boyfriend.

"Well," he drawls, trailing his fingertips along the curve of her thigh, smirking down at her as he leans in to whisper in her ear. "You always were better at playing with him than I was," he reminds her, low and throaty, a growl to his words that makes her breath hitch. She jolts, disturbing the snake attempting to sleep on her lap.

She gapes at him, mouth dropping open in shock before she shoves at him, absolutely mortified. "Natsu!" Lucy hisses, swatting at him when he laughs.

"Luce," he laughs, trying to placate her. He shuffles closer and wraps his arms around her, pressing a kiss against her temple when she huffs and shoves at his chest, a sudden burst of anger flaring in her gut. "Come on, Lucy," he coos, nuzzling against her cheek much like Richard did earlier. "Hey, I'm sorry." He peppers kisses against her face, nosing at her, a whine pulling from his throat when she ignores him. "I'm just—I'm trying to have some fun with this," he tells her.

She huffs, less angry and more drained, tired for the days events. "Fun?" she repeats, giving a humorless laugh. "Natsu, the metaphorical snake in your pants turned into a _literal_ snake, how is that funny?" Sure, maybe this will be funny to them in a few months, but right now? Lucy is kind of freaking out. Like, a lot.

He leans into her, breathing in the scent of her hair and curling tighter around her. "I'm really trying not to freak out here, Lucy," he murmurs, hands on her waist squeezing her nervously, fingers shaking slightly.

Lucy sighs, wrapping her own arms around him in return, squeezing back twice as hard. "I know, I know," she whispers against the shell of his ear, "I just—how are we going to fix this?"

"We'll figure it out," he tells her. They always do. "Let's give it a couple hours."

* * *

And they do give it a few hours. Five to be exact, the day passing quickly, despite their reptilian problem. They've spent most of their time cuddling on the couch, wrapped around each other with Richard curled up in Lucy's lap, more cat-like than anything else. She's taken to rubbing at his head, the snake snuggling further into her with every light brush of her fingers.

Currently, Richard has wormed his way up her torso, half standing on his lower half to rest his head against her chest, tongue coming out to flick at her chin whenever she shifts. Lucy finds it cute, not realizing how affectionate the snake would be until just recently.

Natsu isn't as amused.

"How come the snake gets to touch your boobs and I don't?" he grumbles, grasping at her waist like a large, unhappy leech. He glares at Richard, Lucy sighing when she realizes she's caught between two of the most clingy things she's ever come across. If Happy were here, it would be a regular party.

She rolls her eyes at Natsu, patting the snake lovingly on the head, booping him on the nose and Laughing when Richard's eyes snap open sleepily. "It's your snake penis," she reminds him, shrugging slightly. She can control the snake about as well as she could control the weather. Not at all. "You tell him to stop."

"He won't listen!" Natsu protests, releasing her briefly to throw his hands up, glaring at the reptile with murderous intent. As funny as it would be to watch Natsu try to choke his own dick, she knows he wouldn't be happy about it in the long run. Besides, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Lucy cracks a smile, understand what the real problem is, even if Natsu would never admit it. Not to her anyway. "Natsu, are you _jealous_?" she teases, reaching out to poke his cheek gently, giggling when he sends her a mock-glare. He pouts, turning away from her, and Lucy pokes him again, snorting when he swats at her.

"Of the snake touching your boobs?" he scoffs, rather unconvincingly, if anyone were to ask Lucy. "Of course not!" The tips of his ears turn a bright red, a tell-tale sign of his lying. He won't meet her eyes, a faint blush coating his cheeks.

She giggles, gently pushing Richard back down to rest in her lap, Lucy reaching out to link her fingers through Natsu's tugging him back towards her when he whines, frowning at her dramatically. "Oh, I'm sure," she teases. Natsu finally complies, returning her clingy embrace and winding around her much like his snake partner. Just to rib him, Lucy smirks, turning to prop her head on his shoulder, lips tickling his ear when she speaks. "You know," she coos at him, low and flirty, "he's kind of cute."

It's a joke, of course, though the snake does have rather adorable puppy eyes. Mostly, she just wants a reaction out of Natsu, finding it fun to get him all worked up.

It works. Natsu groans, dropping his forehead onto her shoulder and shaking his head roughly, making her bite back a smile. "Don't call my dick cute," he snaps, huffing. There's no real bite to his words, so she knows he isn't really mad about the comment, more embarrassed than anything else.

"But, Natsu!" she drawls, lifting his chin with one hand. He pouts at her and Lucy giggles as she leans forward to bump her nose against his teasingly. She reaches into her lap, lifting Richard's sleepy head with one hand and holding him up just enough for Natsu to see him. "Look at his cute little face!"

He moans, pulling out of her hold and plopping his head right back down on her shoulder. "I can't believe we're having this conversation," he mumbles.

Lucy shrugs, grinning at him. "Well, you're the one that got your dick turned into a reptile," she reminds him playfully, placing a wet kiss on his cheek as sets Richard back down, the snake coiling into a grumpy ball.

"Oi! Not on purpose!"

She ignores him, humming to herself while she continues to stroke Richard absentmindedly, drawing shapes against his dark scales and dragging a lazy finger along the length of him, only pausing when Natsu groans at the same time Richard begins to squirm in her lap. Curious, she does it again, watching Natsu grit his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut just like he does when she—

Lucy inhales sharply, eyes widening is shock. She does it again, Natsu hissing through his teeth. "Natsu," she stars slowly, wetting her lips and searching for the right words, "are you… _aroused_?" she asks him, continuing to pet the snake, who only twists into her touch, positively _writhing_.

"No!" he protests, head snapping up as he glares. She would believe him, if she couldn't see his flush or hear how heavy his breathing has become. "Maybe." It comes out chokes, Natsu sputtering when she drags her hand down Richard's back sharply, careful not to hurt the snake. "Yes," he admits a moment later, whining. "I can't help it, you're stroking me."

Giggling, Lucy bites her lip, petting Richard on the head, delighting in the low, pleased sound that rumbles in Natsu's chest. "You're so wiggly," she tells him, greatly amused by the pout forming on Natsu's face, glad she can still reduce him to a pile of mush when she wants to.

A tiny part of her does feel bad for tormenting him like this, but it's quickly overshadowed by her utter joy when he huffs and wraps his arms around, struggling to bat her hands away from his snake.

"Lucy, don't," he hisses, seeing the mischievous look in her eyes. He traps her hands, sending her a pointed look, and shaking his head, already knowing what's running through her head.

She leans in closer, whispering, "Wiggly boner," against his ear.

Natsu stares at her for a long moment, unimpressed even as Lucy laughs. "I'm breaking up with you."

* * *

They sit on the couch for another hour, the pair of them growing more and more uncomfortable as time goes on, though for completely different reasons. Lucy is fidgety, her legs on the verge of going numb from the twenty pounds of dead weight snake that's been napping on her all damn day. Natsu, on the other hand, just really has to pee, though that sort of isn't possible, given the circumstances.

Honestly, the pair of them are about ready to head for the guild and damn the consequences. There'll be a few jokes cracked, likely some highly inappropriate ones, but at least their problem will be solves and they can go back to normal.

Though, Lucy thinks she might miss her new snake friend when he's gone, having come to enjoy having him around.

They've been tossing out ideas for the last hour, anything to avoid the guild's humiliation. "Maybe you should kiss him," Natsu suggests, right on queue, shrugging when Lucy sends him a wide-eyed look, her mouth dropping open in shock. He blinks at her, utterly serious, and Lucy realizes he must be more uncomfortable than he's letting on if he can't even muster a smile.

"You want me to kiss your penis?" she repeats, wanting to make sure she heard him right and it's not just her brain being utterly scrambled from the day's events. There's still a chance this is just some strange fever dream and non of it is really. Maybe she ate some bad fish again.

"Well you've put your mouth there before," he manages, the joke weak, but he tries. Natsu wets his lips, sighing softly. "Well, isn't that how it works in fairy tales?" he asks her. Her brow furrows in thought, realizing he's right. Curses typically are broken with a kiss in old fairy tales, though she doesn't think those same rules exist in real world situations.

After a moment, Lucy decides to just go for it, the worst that can happen is nothing, frankly. They really don't have anything to lose by Lucy kissing the sleepy snake that also happens to be Natsu's magically enchanted dick, which sort of sounds like the beginning of a bad porno, if she's being honest. She also can't fault his logic. Technically she has put her mouth there before, though usually under very different circumstances.

Regardless, it's better than nothing.

Lucy sighs, gently lifting Richard's head from her lap and holding him in front of her, the snake blinking sleepily. They lock eyes for a moment, Richard confused and Lucy just so incredibly _done_ with everything. She's just going to kiss the snake. No big deal.

She leans down slowly, placing a dramatic, slightly wet kiss against Richard's snout, her eyes squeezing shut tightly. Lucy pulls back with a 'pop', eyes blinking open slowly, only to see Richard staring up at her almost sadly, blinking at her with his big eyes and suddenly there's a poof of smoke and a crackle, and when the smoke clears Lucy's lap—and heart—are empty.

Her first reaction is shock, then disbelief, and finally anger when she realizes it was that simple the entire damn time. All she had to do was kiss the snake. _All she had to do_ was kiss the snake. Six hours they sat there not knowing what to do, and all they needed to do was have her _kiss the snake_.

She kind of wants to scream, or cry, or shove Natsu onto the couch and have her way with him, but by the time she turns around, Natsu is already bolting towards the bathroom door, shouting something she doesn't catch before slamming the door shut.

For a while, Lucy just sits on her couch and thinks, trying her damn hardest to process all of the weird things that happened today. Natsu's penis turned into a snake, and then just disappeared with a "poof!" like it was never there at all. Strangely, that leaves her feeling rather sad, Lucy having grown rather fond of the snake during their short time together.

Her lips twist into a frown, Lucy unsure how to feel.

Lucy pretends she doesn't hear him peeing for what seems like an awkwardly long time.

And hey, if Lucy tries to adopt a snake tomorrow, well, there's nothing Natsu can do to stop her.

* * *

 **AN: idk wtf this was, but it was fun to write lmao**


End file.
